How to Find Joy in Grief: Part Two- How is Death Viewed Around the World?
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Authenticity Statement: Grief is HARD. I wish with everything that I wasn’t here writing this post. I wish I could call/ hug/ laugh with my dear family member. If you are experiencing grief–in any form– I hope this blog post can offer some new perspective or just a feeling of relating.
In Part One of this series, I wrote about my personal experience of finding some spots of joy while going through the grief journey after losing a close family member of mine.
In the two years since losing this person, I have made the gambit of emotions. As time has healed many of my wounds, I have come to see that what truly remains on the other side of grief is immense love.
While losing someone is an incredibly hard thing and full of lots of complex emotions, it did make me wonder if there were some lessons of joy to be learned from looking at grief in different cultures and countries. How do they view and honor grief and find joy during it?
This post will focus on eight different cultures and how they approach death and grief. It is my utmost hope that we all can learn a different way of thinking about grief and maybe learn different ways to honor those loved ones we have lost with love and perhaps even some joy.
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New Orleans Jazz Funeral
A city rich in history and culture, the New Orleans Jazz Funeral is a different viewpoint into the grief and death that many know.
While colloquially known as the “Jazz Funeral”, its actual term is Second Lines. These Second Lines are parades through the streets with the mourners. It’s generally accepted that the Second Line gets its history through the slave trade in West Africa with this honoring of death mirroring many cultures in Africa.
The Second Line name itself is an ode to the people who follow the casket, the mourning family, and the musicians—they are the literal second line behind them. This Second Line tends to be very large, however. Usually, hundreds of people come to join—and it is considered to be a community event.
This ceremony starts off more somber with music that reflects a more sorrowful feel while the funeral moves to the cemetery. After the cemetery, the music shifts to one of more joy-as does the attitude and mannerisms of those participating—it’s commonplace to see people dancing, singing, and celebrating this person’s life during this shift in the Jazz Funeral.
It’s an interesting idea, to think about using more upbeat music to celebrate the life lived by the person who has passed.
Music has power, I believe. To see it used with such reverence during the Jazz Funeral/ Second Line is a reminder to stop and think about how we can find joy in grief by using music to remember that person with more light.
I love this quote published in an article by Vox regarding the New Orleans Second Line/ Jazz Funeral,
“In New Orleans, grief doesn’t exist without laughter, without dancing, without the movement of bodies, the crush of crowds, and the reminder that death, no matter how somber, is a part of life.”
-NICOLE YOUNG, “THE NEW ORLEANS FUNERAL REMINDS US THAT GRIEF IS A BURDEN THAT CAN BE SHARED”, VOX
Día de los Muertos
Día de los Muertos (or Day of the Dead) is celebrated traditionally from November 1st to November 2nd.
Typically found in Mexican culture—but it is celebrated worldwide by many— it is believed that at midnight on October 31st (or the start of November 1st), the barrier between life and death is practically nonexistent. This means it is the easiest for our relatives that have passed on to come to visit those of us living again for the next 24 hours.
There are specific times/days when each type of soul returns to visit. At midnight on November 1st, the souls of the children who have passed on come to visit (it is called Dia de los Angelitos). At the stroke of midnight on November 2nd it is Día de los Difuntos when the spirits of our adult loved ones come back to visit. Finally, at noon on the 2nd, it is Día de los Muertos where the focus shifts to all the souls who have left us here on Earth.
Often people create altars/offerings (called ofrendas) which are decorated with pictures of our loved ones who have passed on, their favorite foods and drinks, and, most likely, marigolds—which symbolize Día de los Muertos and are believed to help guide our loved ones’ souls back to their families/friends here on Earth. There is also a great deal of music, dressing up in skeleton masks and/or specific bright colors, dancing, parades, and lots of food (often their passed-on loved ones’ favorites!). Usually, people will also make their way to gravesites where they will decorate and clean their loved ones’ graves.
This holiday isn’t a somber one— it’s more about celebrating our loved ones who are passed on and their chance to visit with us here on Earth during this time.
This quote from the Day of the Dead’s website sums up this day well,
“Many of us see death as a sad event but those who celebrate Day of the Dead view death as a welcomed part of life. That is why you will see brightly colored skeletons and skulls everywhere during the holiday. They often are seen smiling, as a friendly nod to death, even mocking death.“
-DAY OF THE DEAD'S WEBSITE
-DAY OF THE DEAD'S WEBSITE
Ngaben
In Bali, death is often honored through the cremation ceremony of ngaben.
The Balinese believe that our body does not serve any real purpose besides housing our spirit, so when we die, it is a celebration that our spirits/souls have returned to reincarnation.
As a result, the Hindu ceremony of ngaben, also known as Pitra Yadyna, Pelebon, is viewed in a more joyful nature because it is believed that person is that much closer to being with God. It is also considered to be life’s greatest ritual.
Upon a person dying in Bali, there is a temporary burial. The ngaben ceremony’s date is then determined by a Hindu priest after which many people are needed to prepare.
Preparations for ngaben include creating a casket from scratch—also known as a Patulangan or Palinggihan—which is built in the shape of a specific animal. It’s believed that this casket will act as a vehicle to help the spirits of the dead guide the passed person into heaven. Creating a cremation tower (or a Wadah or Bade) is also needed. Epitomizing the Balinese Universe, the tower includes specific elements including a turtle, a dragon, mountains and forests, and the very top represents heaven.
On the actual day of cremation, the people in the village will gather to dance and perform music. With mantras chanted and other rituals, the body of the passed will eventually make its way to the cremation tower at the cremation site.
Using a blessed fire torch, at the appropriate time, the High Priest sets fire to the tower.
When the cremation itself has finished, the family collects the ashes and wraps them in either a white cloth or places them into a special container. After the priest has rung a bell and given a chant in order to let that person’s soul go, the family will take their deceased’s ashes to the nearest sea/ river where they scatter them. This is done because, “[t]he Balinese believe that when the ashes are scattered into the ocean, the soul is once again returned to the universe.” according to Bali.com.
“After completing the Ngaben Ritual, the spirit or Atman is freed from the bonds of the material world and is able to unite with Ida Sang Hyang Widhi. This action also represents the family’s understanding that their departed loved one will eventually leave them.“
-BALI.Com
Irish Wake
Years ago, I remember sitting down to watch the movie, Waking Ned Devine. While it is a comedy, it was my first real experience with seeing what an Irish wake is.
According to Irish Urns, “[t]he feel and tone of an Irish Wake can be both heartrendingly mournful and joyously commemorative, sometimes simultaneously.”
It’s thought the Irish wake gets its root in Paganism and the Ancient Celts; the Ancient Celts believed that life got better after death which made death something to celebrate.
When a person dies, in following Irish Wake customs, a window is opened to allow their soul to leave—it’s later closed to prevent the soul from returning to the body. It is then in custom to lay them out in the home (or sometimes in a funeral home).
During this time, the family of the passed stays with the body until the body is taken for the funeral service for it is thought the body needs to be guarded against evil spirits. During this time, family, friends, neighbors, etc. will stop by to pay their respects. This wake lasts at least one night.
During this time, people will share their memories of the lost one and this often leads to both tears and laughs. It’s common to toast the departed as well as have food and drink during the wake. Music, dance, and games are also part of an Irish wake.
While this may sound similar to many funeral customs in the United States, it is seen that the Irish Wake is a larger gathering than that of the customs in the USA.
When the funeral arrives, a more traditional ceremony occurs with a hearse, bagpipes, and a following of the coffin to its resting spot. After which, it is custom to head to a pub to toast the departed again and celebrate their life lived.
“Irish wakes are a celebration of life – one last party to honor the deceased.“
-Mass-Hinitt
Aboriginal Views
A Note
Given the term Aboriginal refers to a vast array of different groups that are native to the continent of Australia, it is not possible to make one broad generalization of how Aboriginal people view grief and death. This section will instead focus on the Aboriginal group of Yanyuwa and their viewpoints on death and grief.
The Yanyuwa people of the Northern Territory in Australia believe there are two different spirits that make up the human body— the ardirri (which resides in one’s bones) and the na-ngawulu (which is represented by the heartbeat/pulse).
When someone dies, in Yanyuwan believe another spirit—called wuwarr appears as the ghost of the person who has died. This spirit is regarded to have the potential of being harmful.
It is Yanyuwa belief then that the goal after someone dies is to make sure that their wuwarr spirit and their ardirri spirit are joined to become kuyara and make sure this kuyara spirit makes it safely to the spiritual land to then be eventually re-born.
It is also believed that part of a person who has died remains in their country. Here this spirit partakes in a community where they partake in actions much like here on Earth—hunting and traveling— along with taking watch over their family members who are still alive. It’s believed these spirits can either cause harm or help for their living relatives.
“While there are formal means by which the spirits of deceased are to be dealt with, there is no clear-cut understanding about the ultimate nature of the spirit in Yanyuwa society and what happens at death. What is clear, however, is that a portion of a deceased person will still reside on the land and it is this spirit that involves constant negotiation.“
-“AFTERLIFE: AUSTRALIAN INDIGENOUS CONCEPTS” ON ENCYCLOPEDIA.COM
Indigenous Views
Note: Much like the Aboriginal section above, given the large number of Indigenous groups, generalizations cannot be made in regards to how Natives view death and honoring the person who has died. Rather, this section will focus on two specific groups—the Anishinaabe and the Blackfeet.
The Anishinaabe Indigenous group of the Great Lakes region in Canada believes there is an Original Mother (Mother Earth) and an Original Father (the Creator).
Both of these play an important role when a person who is a member of an Anishinaabe group dies for it is felt when one dies the Original Mother will take back their bodies while the Original Father will have their spirits once again to return to their original state.
The Anishinaabe believe when our spirits leave our bodies, they travel westward over the prairie, a river, and eventually mountains where they will climb the mountains to then be reunited with our loved ones who have passed on before us. This spirit will continue to live on.
When a person is about to pass away, the Anishinaabe will have specific ceremonies. These ceremonies most likely involve a healer/ spiritual leader who has the honor to conduct the ceremonies along with family members, friends, and the community performing certain actions such as partaking in a sacred pipe ceremony, smudging, singing medicine songs, holding an ancestor fire or other sacred fires, going into a purification lodge or sweat lodge and participating in a Ghost Dance.
The Ghost Dance is a ceremony held yearly (typically in late fall) during the full moon. Lasting four nights, this is a time when the ancestors are honored through dancing and fasting. Additionally, the Elders offer teachings to the community. Oftentimes, the Ghost Dance will have offerings presented to the ancestors as appreciation for them watching over those alive on Earth and as a way to remember them.
The Blackfeet Nation Tribe in present-day Montana holds a deep respect for death. When a person in the Blackfeet Nation dies, a large emphasis is on the number four—which is a sacred number to many Indigenous groups. For the Blackfeet Nation, this number is honored by mourning the person who has passed for four days which includes prayer and finishing with burial.
It’s common in Blackfeet tradition to have a sort of “last meal” with the passed during the wake, where you eat a meal physically around the loved one who has died. Once the deceased has been buried, oftentimes people will then come back to finish the meal. Amber Ziegler states in her piece on the subject, “Blackfeet people do not express the disgust associated with corpses that mainstream Americans do; rather, the corpse is regarded as a social being and treated with respect.”
The theme for the Blackfeet Nation’s views on death and grief is reverence and respect. Respect for the body which has passed on along with reverence that death is part of the circle that makes up life.
“In Blackfeet worldview, humans are an integral part of the natural world, related to all other forms of life. Human death facilitates the growth of new life in the world.”
-Amber Ziegler, “Blackfeet Understandings of Death”, THE NATURE OF DEATH IN THE UNITED STATES: VARIED DEATHWAYS REFLECT SOCIAL RELATIONS WITH NATURE
Qingming
China’s Qingming is a custom that dates back to the Zhou dynasty about 2,500 years ago and is celebrated 15 days post-Spring Equinox (using the Chinese lunar calendar).
This day is dedicated to visiting our loved one’s tombs to sweep them clean. This festival also involves bringing offerings to our departed’s tombs and weeding and cultivating the soil at their tombs.
After sweeping their loved ones’ tombs, the family will likely leave offerings/flowers and honor the occasion by lighting incense to burn.
Upon finishing visiting their loved ones’ graves, people then usually will venture into the springtime outdoors, and oftentimes kite flying occurs (these kites have lanterns attached to them so they light up at night).
The willow branch is particularly important on Qingming as it is believed to keep evil spirits away. This custom can take the form of leaving willow branches at the family’s front door or front gate during this festival and/ or planting a willow tree at their departed family member’s tomb.
Between the cleaning of loved ones’ tombs and spending time enjoying the start of spring—this celebration is one that reminds us that we can lose and still enjoy life for what it is.
“All in all, the Qingming Festival is an occasion of unique characteristics, integrating sorrowful tears to the dead with the continuous laughter from the spring outing.”
-Travel China Guide
Ghana's Fantasy Coffins
According to CNN, “Funerals are often uplifting occasions in Ghana, where it is widely believed that death is the beginning of an afterlife, and the deceased should receive a rapturous send off.”
One way Ghanaians celebrate the life of the person who has passed on is through the use of “Fantasy Coffins” or proverb coffins or abebuu adekai.
In Ghana, it has become tradition in many parts, to craft a coffin in a unique shape/ way that is particular to the person who has passed on.
This often means crafting coffins shaped in regard to that person’s profession (such as a trumpet for a musician), something that the person loved/ was interested in (like an airplane), or even someone’s vices.
This tradition—especially when compared to the other cultures discussed— is a newer one; it first made its appearance in the 1950s with the first used coffin created being an airplane.
These shaped coffins are more than just how they look. The Ga people of Ghana believe according to a piece by Emma Thomson in National Geographic, “[…] the deceased will continue their job in the afterlife and the coffin acts as a reminder. Also, ancestors wield great power and honouring them with a grand coffin is a good way to curry favour […]”
This may sound a little bit different to many people, but I feel like Thomson summarizes this tradition best in her article,
“‘What would you like to be buried in?’ I ask Ernest. “In a plane, like my great grandmother,” he smiles. “And you?” he replies. I’ve never given it much thought until now, but the idea is starting to appeal. It seems the ideal way to honour and celebrate a transcending soul, rather than commiserate a lost life.“
-Emma Thomson, "Meet the fantasy coffin-designers of accra, Ghana", National Geographic
Final Thoughts
If there is one thing I have learned in writing this post and over the past two years of grieving for my loved one, it is truly that there can be joy in the grieving. They don’t have to counteract one another, they truly be a beautiful mixture.
All of these customs talked about celebrating or honoring the life lived of the person and—in many cases— celebrating their next evolution post-death.
Many of these customs (like the New Orleans Jazz Funeral, the Irish Wake, and Ghana’s Fantasy Coffins) teach us the beauty in celebrating a person’s life with music, dancing and other spectacles which verge on gaiety.
These customs also show us the importance of leaning into others during the grieving process—none of these celebrations talks about individuals being alone during this time—they all focus on being with others.
Finally, each and every one of these customs places an emphasis on the idea that life is impermanent/temporary. We are just visitors in this world. We are all going to die one day, so—while we are alive—we need to make the most of it. I personally believe that our passed-on loved ones would want us to do so!
This post is dedicated in the memory of Tom.
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